Where Do I Begin?
It’s not a coincidence that I’ve created Defying Resistance because you are me, and I once was you. I struggled with a resistance that was so powerful that it led me into a deep depression and anxiety for many years.
There were a few major turning points in my life that led me towards a six-and-a-half-year journey of healing and self-discovery. Let’s take a look at that journey.
The hardest change was losing weight. After a bad breakup I decided to shed a few pounds. I was an emotional eater who used food to cope with my feelings and found myself at 232lbs. I must admit, my decision to lose weight wasn’t because I wanted to be healthy, but rather because I decided to move to D.C., and wanted to look fly.
I've heard, “it’s not the destination that matters most, but who you become along that journey”. On that journey, I realized what was important to me. I learned to say no to outside pressures and created necessary boundaries—all of these things that unbeknownst to me, were tools that were imperative to my growth later on. Nine months later, I lost 80lbs--an absolute game changer!
In 2013, I burnt out from my job as a social worker. There was a lot that got me there, lack of self-care, microaggressions in the workplace, work politics, you name it, I experienced it. The work I did was hard, everyday I witnessed some sort of trauma-it was mentally taxing. It was no surprise that one day, after a significant incident, I gave my 3-weeks notice. I remember sitting at my desk, in the office, writing my resignation letter.
After I handed it in I felt all types of emotions wash over me all at once; guilt, fear and relief. My back was against the wall but I felt I had no choice but to leave. Ending that chapter gave me a chance to begin working for myself, which came with another level of challenges to work through.
The year of 2016 was a traumatic year for me, I experienced more bouts with depression and anxiety. While working for myself, there was a lot of space for unwanted feelings to rise to the surface. I didn’t realize before how easy it was for me to hide behind a busy work schedule, a thriving social life and everything else in between.
When you become an entrepreneur, EVERYTHING halts, at least it did for me. Some days, it was hard to get out of bed. So one day I somehow found myself at a retreat in the mountains of Los Angeles, California searching for answers on how to feel better!
Before I had time to process the transitions of motherhood and find my true identity, the unimaginable happened - my father had unexpectedly passed away. An immigrant man from Haiti, who came to America to find a better life, died after 12 years of trying to acquire the “American dream”. He worked two full-time jobs, and it killed him. I thought, there’s no way I will end up like that—a life unfulfilled and unlived, working to the bone with my soul fragmented. So, I said goodbye to the States and brought a one way ticket to Thailand.
Fast forward a few months, my son went off to college and here I was a 35-year-old empty-nester not having a clue what to do with my life. It was as if the whole world stood still and all I could hear was, “who are you?”. The transition from motherhood to occupying space with myself was incredibly hard.
Someone once told me, where you go, there you are. Living overseas from 2016 to 2019 transformed my life for the better. It started with absolute silence and solitude. Every emotion rose to the surface and I found myself struggling to maintain my mental health, but I was committed to the healing journey.
While there I developed a mindfulness practice. The Universe then connected me with several Shamans and I did a lot of inner-child healing. I forgave, I accepted, and I stopped trying to CHANGE the things that happened to me. I re-wrote the narrative of the stories that held me back and kept me bound to the past. I redesigned how I wanted to live my life and returned with a new sense of purpose and alignment.
––Ralph Waldo Emerson